Admittance of Cowardice

"Perhaps I missed that smile, And that is the cause of my tears." Sitting tight at the edge of my sanity, with the razor held firmly in my hand, I could not seem to make a decision on what I intended to do with myself . I had all the valid reasons, but there was this certain uncertainty lingering in my head,"Do I have the courage?" And there lay the infinite wasteland of nothingness as an answer to the question. This is where everything comes to an abrupt hault. Point zero. Where reasons and desires hibernate to futility, overshadowed by the lack of will and courage. Death never scared me. Rather, I was fascinated by the very concept of death. A peaceful end to the fatuous concept of social insanity, shrewd expectations, wretched failures and brooding fears hovering over our shoulders. An end to all our sufferings, all uncertainties lingering in our heads, all the thoughts that make us cry, every loss that left a gaping hole in out rotten insignificant meaningless lives. The question , however is, if not death, what was it then that I was so afraid of? Was it the fear of pain?Or the fear of dying in vain? A fear that noone would care if I died. Noone would feel any sense of loss with my departure. Or was it the fear of missing out on a better life? Sweet hope of redemption. None , I guess, or all? Truth be told, no matter how much I despised the concept of social insanity, the concept of caring and being cared for, knowing and being known, the artificial fabric of society, I was just a meek slave to the desire of being loved, wearing a facade of ignorance and indifference. 

Living a lie,
Lying a life

That , I believe, is why I repelled my certain share of happiness and that exactly had been the cause of my tears. "Hidden underneath the facade of ignorance, Blinded by my own lies, Perhaps I missed that smile, And that is the cause of all my tears." Sitting tight at the edge of my sanity, with the razor held loosely between my shivering fingers, I guess I knew my attempts were futile. And I knew I would never let it crawl over my conscience. After all, admittance is never a coward's cup of tea.

Solitude

"Such fortunate are the forgetful

 For they forgot the taste of love

 Sincere innocence, inseminated

 With unbriddled miseries.

 Such blissful is the world

 With forgotten reveries

 Lost to itself

 Reeking no more of another's guilt."

Solitude, as they say, is a curse. Bestowed upon our wretched fate as a consequence of our unredeemed mistakes. Solitude, I believe, is pure bliss. Granted to those ,only, who would dare to wander alone in the realm their own anonymity.

Solitude is something, that brings you face to face with sheer reality. Something that takes away all your fears, frees you from the miseries nailed to you for another's mistakes.

What wrongs can 'you' bring upon yourself when world outside awaits to eat you up?

Let me pose atyou a rhetorical question:

"Why should you pity my solitary state, when you are the one afraid of being alone?"

Why should you be sorry for me when 'you' are incapable of holding yourself up on your own?

Why not be sorry for your pitiful dependant condition instead of my originally dependant state of mind?

You may never be able to answer that, and I will never demean my self esteem by giving you an answer. But I will leave you with this:

"When I look into the mirror, I see me. Do you?"

Comatose

A strangled dream

A soothing nothingness

Pressed benumbed

Through walls of Conscience

Lost through eternities

In a world so cold

No sense of reason

Mocking free fall

A myriad needles 

Piercing the skull

Oblivious

Of Dimensions

Breathing on in futility

For life is all but gone.

Apocalypto

Hallucinating

Under shadows of the sun

Brooding

Over a pensive of whirlwinds

The ashen sky

Sunk over the burning ruins

The clouds of rusted smoke

Roiling around untamed

Shrouding away all thoughts

From writhing imagination

Death

Morphed from fear to craving

Would soon overwhelm

Ceasing eternities

As the wild imagination of a burning child

Would soon claim the throne.

Giving In

Sitting on the banks of a stream

Looking across the mire

I heard the wisphers of past

Rustling through the grass

Yesterday's smile

Now turned gruesome wraith

Corroding

All thought from within

As I sat silently

Weakened

Drowning effortlessly

In the ripples of oncoming rain.

Rupture

As she looked into my eyes

With a cataract of reason

Exhaling an absurd  logic 

Oblivious to my pain

I couldn't help but let go

Of the meek intricacies

Creeping Death

Have you ever held a corpse, amidst the haze of numbness? Do you know the feeling, when someone you love dies in front of your eyes? The feeling of desperation to trade places? The helplessness that is glued strictly to your spine and no matter how hard you try to push it away with your futile scream, it just stretches throughout your body and refuses to wear off? Have you ever seen your beloved gasp their final breath, slowly fading into the blank void, leaving you alone , only to regret that moment forever? Reminding you again and again of your insignificance in front of destiny's course. Have u ever looked death in the eye and been disappionted to have been left alive?

I have.

And life has never been the same again.

Every moment after that, is just a burden, a wretched liability, from which there is no escape. Everything you do and everything you feel becomes just too inconvenient for your own self. No matter how hard you try to move on, you cannot hide from your own shadow. Your life falls down to nothing more than a matter of disgust in your own eyes.

No, I dont say that life is fair, and I dont think that it should be. For no matter what you do throughout your life, you are supposed to be a wreck. And in the end you just die in the haze of nothingness, realizing you dint accomplish anything. For the only and ultimate accomplishment of a life is death. And you would never be there to bask in its glory. Everything else is just futile.

Cancer

A bubbling poison.

Preserved. Contained.

Untamed.

Like a brooding beast.

Feasting on lust

Breeding on temptations.

Inseminated

Deep within.

Triggered

With reeking smoke.

Spreading roots

At the core.

Alas,

One day,

Surrected.

Screaming pain. Nausea.

Weakend soul. Numbness.

"Let it come,

And we'll walk on like dear friends."