Admittance of Cowardice

"Perhaps I missed that smile, And that is the cause of my tears." Sitting tight at the edge of my sanity, with the razor held firmly in my hand, I could not seem to make a decision on what I intended to do with myself . I had all the valid reasons, but there was this certain uncertainty lingering in my head,"Do I have the courage?" And there lay the infinite wasteland of nothingness as an answer to the question. This is where everything comes to an abrupt hault. Point zero. Where reasons and desires hibernate to futility, overshadowed by the lack of will and courage. Death never scared me. Rather, I was fascinated by the very concept of death. A peaceful end to the fatuous concept of social insanity, shrewd expectations, wretched failures and brooding fears hovering over our shoulders. An end to all our sufferings, all uncertainties lingering in our heads, all the thoughts that make us cry, every loss that left a gaping hole in out rotten insignificant meaningless lives. The question , however is, if not death, what was it then that I was so afraid of? Was it the fear of pain?Or the fear of dying in vain? A fear that noone would care if I died. Noone would feel any sense of loss with my departure. Or was it the fear of missing out on a better life? Sweet hope of redemption. None , I guess, or all? Truth be told, no matter how much I despised the concept of social insanity, the concept of caring and being cared for, knowing and being known, the artificial fabric of society, I was just a meek slave to the desire of being loved, wearing a facade of ignorance and indifference. 

Living a lie,
Lying a life

That , I believe, is why I repelled my certain share of happiness and that exactly had been the cause of my tears. "Hidden underneath the facade of ignorance, Blinded by my own lies, Perhaps I missed that smile, And that is the cause of all my tears." Sitting tight at the edge of my sanity, with the razor held loosely between my shivering fingers, I guess I knew my attempts were futile. And I knew I would never let it crawl over my conscience. After all, admittance is never a coward's cup of tea.