On the eve of forever I stood, undulated, mourning my loss. Every passing moment felt like an eon, as if time was frozen for eternities. The sky was going yet paler, cold breeze caressing my skin. The trees around me danced, as if rejoicing at my loss, mocking silently at the blisters of my past, whispering silently among themselves. The stars in the sky twinkled, as if shredding a tear, reminiscing a tale of eternal sufferings.
Sufferings, should I call them? Or a series of bitter experiences, accompanied by severe loss, as they say? It doesn't seem to matter. What matters is the bitter pain it caused . The suffocation of thought, neveraltering by the songs of my lament, forever getting strong and not fading away. As if I was stuck in a limbo of sempiternal stillness, needles of time piercing every portion of my thoughts, not letting me move even a step forward.
The tale of my hurt would sound, to you, such a clichë. But trust me, every cliche, when gone though, is so unheard, so alien that reality, from your mind, tends to slip away. Everything heard or seen or learnt disappears and every tiny space is occupied by a newfound emptiness. A silence so dense, it would howl forever in the empty void, breaking you down to the core.
It is in this nothingness, when you find yourself face to face with your sanity. In a realm of thoughts, buried so deep underneath that earlier you wouldnt even dare to dig. But a place, now you would find yourself knocking at, again and again. Trying to find reason, hidden in the transient patterns of your wretched past, building up your own reality, irrespective of the true facts. A place you would worship, a place you would curse, a place you would find yourself lost in self interrogation, a place you would find yourself staring at deceit through your eyes , behind the facade of much rehearsed reality. A place you would find yourself with dynamic entities of your brooding imagination. A place you would be the worthy ruler of. Your Utopia.
On the eve of forever I stood, undulated,on the edge of my sanity. Expecting the company of a much anticipated entity. An entity yet alien to me, she would speak through her invisible voice, guiding me through the depths of my imagination, through the vast desert of trance, as if she beheld my nerve in her palm. For hours I would wander stray, aimlessly, in the desert, following her voice, trying to catch a glimpse of her.But, all I could ever grasp was a dusty silhoutte, jerking me right out of my revery. But today, after a long wait, she had agreed to grant me my sole wish. The rendezvous was fixed, she was to be here, the shack of my rusted past, by the rise of morning star. And, to abide, I had been here all night, not to miss out on her, looking at the sky every now and then, wondering when the moment would arrive.The horizon was nearing dawn, shades of sky fading, paler. Yet she was nowhere to be seen, neither was Venus, the morning star. But I had her word,she would come,I must wait, for she owed me explanations. Explanations only she could deliver,maybe putting my brooding thoughts to rest, help me rid of this wretched insomnia.
With every passing moment my anxienty grew, thoughts began to wander stray, steps pacing up and down the front porch. Looking up at every minute sound, wondering if she had arrived, only to taste disappointment, much bitter every time.
It was then when I saw, walking down in front of the shack, breaking lose from the spawn of wandering thoughts, a shimmering light in the western sky just above the horizon. It was Venus, larger than ever and still growing, as if descending. Descending unto the rendezvous, taking form in front of me , that of a beautiful woman.
It was her, had to be. Her voice had formed an imagery, just as she looked now. Was that the reason she looked so familiar ?
"I am here love, as was promised." she whispered through her lips, smiling. Her beauty was so ethereal, so pure, I was scared to break the moment with my insignificant words, fearing she might disappear. It was hard to believe she was here. Like a dream, I was trying my best to cling on to the moment, just staring at her for what seemed like an eternity. There was something about her that I couldn't figure out. For some strange reason, I was finding it hard to trust her appearance, as if she would transform or disappear the moment I altered my glance.
After eons of silence, looking deep into her eyes, I realised, those eyes looked pretty familiar. Eyes ,just like the ones I once fell in love with. Eyes I loved to lose myself in. And just a little motion of my eyelids, I blinked and the aura changed
Standing in front of me, was the woman I loved with all my being. The woman I valued more precious to me than dear life. The woman showed me the beauty of love. The woman who abandoned me , leaving me alone, to bask in insanity, in the pensive of whirlwinds.
"No! you can't be..... " I said but words died within my chest.
"It is me."she said , still smiling.
"But you were gone, long ago, far away." I felt myself melting away , on the verge of breaking down, failing to understand anything, failing to find words.
"That was a mere silhoutte of my being." she said ,"..I am omnipresent, under the facade of different emotions among you."
"But who are you?" I asked, as if begging.
"I am despair, the consequence of everything you do and everything you feel."
I was not able to understand anything, sanity was a total chaos at the moment. Every word she said was hitting hard on the walls of my skull, as if trying to release the insane monstrosity trapped behind the walls.
"I see you long for me , I see you running away. But, irrespective of everything, you've always been my concentration." she said.
"But, I loved you." I said in a weak voice, as if breaking down.
"So did I, but you cannot have me. Yet, you will find me with you, forever. Not in one form, but always another."
My strength gave up now, I felt gravity pulling me down, dragging me back to the shell of mental paralysis, away from this psychotic procession of thoughts, and I gave myself in. My eyelids felt heavier than ever in the past two years. As I fell to the ground, through the half shut eyes, I saw the Sun rising through horizon, bringing with it a new dawn.
"Sleep now, love, I must take leave. But you will find me within you, forever."
No comments:
Post a Comment